Think of it like a reality TV show, except only online, and without all the prize money and you read it and it isn’t anywhere near as exciting, yet all of the contestants walk away with their dignity (to some degree, that is: we can’t promise anything).
2. Who can post to the Where the Bad Kids Go Blog?
If you are fascinating but don’t necessarily assume that you are fascinating, because that, in turn, renders you less than fascinating. It’s a vicious circle, or at least a surly rhombus. All manner of folks are invited to become part of our merry band of 21st-century vaudevillainy.
3. What happens when I die?
Your “you-ness” will expire, but your subjective self will cease to exist as well, meaning that you will not mourn your own loss, as there will be no ego apparatus left to note your own passing. Your corporeal self will decompose to the base elements out of which it arose, nourishing insects, small animals, soil, vegetation, and countless forms of bacteria. Your remains will be treated with disrespect during a fraternity prank nearly a century to the day of your interment.
4. If Tonto and Kato were to have a fight to the death, who would win?
This would truly be an exciting contest, as both combatants would bring unique skills and rich cultural traditions to the ring. Tonto has the proud blood of the Native American coursing through his veins and a resourcefulness reflective of his people and their relationship to the Earth. Kato is an expert in a variety of martial arts and, as the Green Hornet’s sidekick, has a shrewd understanding of modern-day battle techniques. Yet after several minutes of fierce combat, both Tonto and Kato would soon realize that it is the White Man who has organized this blood struggle, and – after a brief discussion of strategy – the two would band together, waging a ferocious circus of slaughter against the well-heeled, principally Caucasian attendees of the Great Fight.
5. What is the goal of the Where the Bad Kids Go Blog?
To bring people together, to foster harmony and delight, to showcase the latest, greatest happenings in the (under)world of Heck, to entertain with a vengeance, and to find a cure for the common pancake. (I guess that is more than just one goal. Sorry.) It is also important to note that a just, classless society is only possible through public ownership and operation of the means of production and distribution of goods.
6. Is bringing a child into this world selfish and cruel?
Yes, considering the swollen world population, the degenerative spiral of civilization in general and the inevitability of global catastrophe, bringing another being into the world does indeed seem selfish and cruel. But, being that the only apparent purpose of humankind is to propagate itself to the point of extinction, not reproducing seems an even more pointless exercise for sentient couples: in essence, thumbing our noses at the yawning void of futility that judges us with its icy silence. Couples deciding to “bear fruit” should have only one child, however, as it is commonly known that those who bear more than one child only do so because they find that they don’t really love the first child.
7. What is the best way to clean a deer?
The most popular way is to take the deer carcass, hang it upside down, cut a slit from aft to fore and eviscerate the animal. The best way to clean a deer, however, is to casually mention to your hunting companion that you thought you saw the deer ingest several diamonds shortly before taking your kill. By morning, your deer should be cleaned and, if there are indeed any diamonds in the pile of entrails, kill your hunting companion and take the gems, waiting an appropriate amount of time before selling the gems as to distance their discovery from the “hunting accident” that took your friend’s life.
8. When is the Where the Bad Kids Go Blog updated?
Seldom.
9. Why do I keep tasting almonds?
You have either just eaten almonds or still have trace amounts of undigested almond on or about your gums, causing mysterious flavor. If you haven’t eaten almonds recently, perhaps the part of your brain that remembers flavor is more highly- developed than that of the average person, and you are experiencing an acute almond “flashback.” The most likely cause, however, is that a close friend, family member or caregiver is trying to poison you. Cyanide is an extremely poisonous and easily procured white crystalline compound that has the odor and flavor of bitter almonds. Vomiting, and blindness are just some of the short-term effects of cyanide ingestion. The best way to ensure no further ingestion of cyanide is to poison the person you suspect of contaminating your food and/or beverages. This person will, no doubt, be highly-suspicious of anything tasting of almonds so be sure to lace their food or drink with either arsenic or antimony: two extremely toxic poisons that are also completely flavorless and odorless, making detection quite improbable if administered cleverly.
Wordstock—Portland’s premiere literary event—hits town next weekend, and they’ve created these fun, food-themed videos. Give ‘em a look and I hope to see you next Sunday at Wordstock!
oKAY I NEED 2 KNOW WHERE YOU WERE BORN AND IF ANY EVENTS IN YOUR LIFE HAD EFECTED YOU WHEN YOU WROTE THIS
Hi Madison,
I—like many people—was born in Dallas, Texas. It’s OK: it happens to the best of us (and the worst of us, apparently). I was born somewhere between the popularization of fire and Red Vines.
Events that affected me writing Rapacia? Most every event in my life led to the physical writing of the book, if you think about it. But I’m sure you mean the events that affected the plot line, specifically. Growing up, the only thing to really do was to hang out at the mall. Even though we never had any money, it’s what we all did, which is rather pointless since we either were wasting our time around things we didn’t want or torturing ourselves drooling over things we couldn’t afford! So this conundrum probably formed the basis of Mallvana: a place so wonderful and glittering and perfect and awesome that it is either Heaven to some, or Heck to others, depending on your particular circumstances (and credit limit). And, like Marlo, I have—as a teen—run into a few sticky situations in which certain material items found in a store somehow made it to my backpack. But only a couple and—on both occasions—I did an even more daring act of returning them. In fact, sometimes me and my friends would commit acts of reverse shoplifting, where we would smuggle stuff that we didn’t want into a store—weird stuff—and put it on the shelves. And, like the first book, most of the turmoil and horror comes from my experiences in middle school, a place that isn’t full of fun and laughter like elementary school, but without the respect and promise of high school. A place that feels like eternity—and actually is—at least for a little while.
Here is another self-penned Heck track called Meeting with Bea “Elsa” Bubb, about just that. It’s your typical evil ska Klezmer psychedelic stomp track, so popular with “the kids” these days. Recorded live in my living room!
OK, I guess when I mentioned posting music in the weeks to come, I really meant in the minutes to come. Like, now. So here is another song that I like to call Damian’s Song (No No No). It’s a bad song about a bad kid whose life turned out badly. It’s also a bad song by a bad guitarist whose solo turned out badly. Maybe I mean bad in the way that used to mean good (but I probably don’t). damians-song-no-no-no
…which is a terrifying thought. It begs the question “what music would endow land mass with unnatural life?” Is this even morally sound? Not the sound of music, per se, but the ability to animate rocks and dirt? It’s just creepy. Speaking of which, here is one of a series of Heck-based musical numbers I will be posting in the weeks to come. This first song is a little ditty called Christmas at Grizzy Mall which, to the best of my knowledge, is about Christmas at Grizzly Mall. Enjoy, or at least grudgingly tolerate.
The view from my front door…if you get this, please send help!
Just because I wrote a wicked book about eternal torment doesn’t mean I’m not brimming with holiday cheer. In fact, I even wrote a song about this time of year, called Blame It On Christmas. Even though the song is about 15 years old (if it were a person it could get its driver’s permit right about now), it is still strangely appropriate once a year. I give this song to you, all the good/bad people out there who read this blog or mis-Googled something else and find yourself here nonetheless, holidazed and confused.
