Heck on TV!

I was apparently on KATU’s AM Northwest Show a couple of weeks ago. I say/write “apparently” because it was really early in the morning and I barely remember the actual experience, though it certainly appears as if I had fun.

Hosts Helen Raptis and Dave Anderson made me feel very much at home, or as at home as you can feel on a set made to look like a living room, surrounded by bright lights and cameras. And no need to adjust your monitor: I was wearing my Official Heck Outfit, scientifically designed to look as if I were engulfed in flame.

WATCH IT HERE!

Heck on TV

If you were sent to Heck, which Circle would you be sentenced to?

Well, if I were sent to Heck, it would have to be the Circle of Heck reserved for really, really old boys. I would be the victim of one doozy of an administrative error…the likes of which hasn’t been seen since…the last doozy of an administrative error.

As a kid, however, I would have—more than likely—visited all of the Circles of Heck at one time or another. That’s probably true with most of us. If pinned down to pick just one, I would first ask you to stop pinning me down because it is very uncomfortable and I have a trick back that occasionally goes out…where it goes I don’t really know.

Perhaps I (not my back) would have gone to Snivel, the Circle of Heck reserved for whiny, cynical kids, the kind that not only think that their glasses are half empty, but that someone will come along at any moment and take that glass away from them.

Or Lipptor—which sounds like some prescription medicine your grandpa might take for his cholesterol, but is in reality the Circle of Heck for kids who sass back, who use words as weapons.

OK, in retrospect, you should have kept me pinned down because I keep squirming around on the floor of your question, but perhaps also Fibble, the Circle of Heck for kids who lie, since I have worked in the advertising industry, taking to the art of artifice far too readily.  

Even Wall Street Digs Heck!

Meghan Cox Gurdon of the Wall Street Journal – that bastion of all things
“kid” – had swell things to say about Heck in this weekend’s edition. Thanks
Meghan! No netherworld detention for you, unless you dog-eared the pages of
the book rather than used a bookmark – that really bugs me.

Read the review here: Wall Street Journal Review

What, exactly, is HECK?

I’m so glad you asked!

Heck is, in a nutshell, middle school: only a fantastical, ridiculous one populated by nasty demons and dead, cranky historical figures. For me, the middle school years were a terrible, terrible time.

You’re not treated like an adorable little kid anymore who can get away with anything with a shrug and a mischievous smile. And you’re not given the respect, responsibility, and – perhaps most importantly – the credit card and car keys of a young adult.

You’re just stuck in this maddening in between place that feels like eternity, where everything is happening both too fast and too slow. Plus, you’re trapped inside an increasingly unrecognizable body that is constantly freaking you out and under constant assault by perspective-shattering hormones.

Now back to The Explanation of the Concept of Heck, already in progress:

Basically (Dale E. Basically), I had been reading Dante’s Inferno (a really cool, really old, and really hard to follow book) and perhaps listening to Pat Benatar’s seminal ”Hell is For Children” (a really cool, really old, and really hard to follow song). I don’t know, whatever the exact circumstances were, somehow the notion of a Hell “Lite” just for children occurred to me, and I just knew it had to be called Heck, a place where the pre-adult souls of the darned toil for all eternity, or until they turn 18, whichever comes first.

 

 

Q: If you could pick one Fictional Character to be your best friend…who would you choose, and why?

Dale E. Basye’s Answer: I love fictional characters. Heck, I even wrote about them (sorry for the bad pun). Milton and Marlo are great. So, aside from all the Heck characters that I would love to have as my friend…I would choose Jonathan Livingston Seagull from the book Jonathan Livingston Seagull, by Richard Bach. It’s a great fable about a seagull learning about life and flight, and self-perfection. 

If Jonathan Livingston Seagull were my friend, he could teach me how to fly. I would live on the beach (my favorite place), and he would help keep the scary, real seagulls away from me—the really vicious ones that squawk, are missing limbs and eyes and have thick, nasty poop that never ever comes off and makes you smell like rancid chowder.

How about you? What fictional character would you choose to be your best friend?