Monthly Archives: August 2008

Heck is Real…No Seriously

I’d like to interrupt this blog to bring you a very special announcement from Kevin Sotomayor, Principal of Heck Middle School:

I’m actually the Principal at Heck….. L. Thomas Heck Middle School to be exact!

The school, which will open for the 2009-2010 school year, was named after our recently retired superintendent, Dr. Heck. The school is located just outside of Phoenix, AZ in Litchfield Park Arizona.

We all were very excited and have had a lot of fun with the release of this book, and it’s premise. While the staff isn’t as ‘colorful’ as the one in the book, they do share the same desire to teach what they know.

Hopefully there will be more ‘happenings’ from Heck to share with my staff and students at Heck.

Kevin Sotomayor
Principal, Heck Middle School

How weird is that?

L. Thomas Heck Middle School will occupy 20 acres and house 750 students in sixth through eighth grades. Tom Heck, who was superintendent for almost two decades until he retired in 2007, said it is an “incredible honor” to have the school named after him. He said he has high hopes for the middle school.

“It’s the Litchfield way to include the community so that parents and kids feel like it’s theirs,” Heck said. Heck handpicked Kevin Sotomayor, principal at Palm Valley Elementary, to be the new school’s principal.

“It’s an exciting opportunity,” Sotomayor said. “We get to work from Day 1 to make this something special. We get to shape its identity and make it a community school.”

This is a far cry from the position of Bea “Elsa” Bubb, Heck’s Principal of Darkness, who views her dominion as a colossal burden, and would sooner suck rancid platypus eggs than make Heck anything remotely “community” based, unless that community was one comprised of venomous spiders and booby-trapped Parcheesi games. Here are some other differences:

Sotomayor said he wants parent and student involvement.

“My philosophy as an administrator is to have an open-door policy and take in everyone’s opinions,” he said.

Principal Bubb wants parent and student disembowelment.

“My philosophy as a badministrator is to have an open-door policy…there’s the door…now why don’t you run along before I sic Cerberus on you? I’d love to take in your opinion, but I don’t take in the deluded ramblings of lobotomized monkeys,” she said.

Sotomayor is energetic, has a great sense of humor and is dedicated to bringing high academic standards to Heck.

Bubb, on the other claw, is bitter, sarcastic, and dedicated to bringing high-caloric hamsters into her gaping, fang-rimmed maw.

Here is a picture of various Arizonans breaking ground for the new school.

Fortunately, I couldn’t upload a picture of Bea “Elsa” Bubb breaking wind in her terrible, terrible school.

Smiles and Tribune-lations!

Journalist Eric Bartels and I had a nice chat last week that is now featured in the Portland Tribune. In this age of sound bites, pithy slogans, and excerpts, it’s refreshing to be posed meaningful questions and have the space to jabber on about things I care about! Read all about it…or me…whatever!

A Dweeb Kicked Thresh Hog!

…is an anagram for Heck: Where the Bad Kids Go. Why do I make anagrams of my book’s title? The question may be “why,” but the answer is “Whyville.”

Whyville is a virtual world for teens and pre-teens, and they have a contest going where virtual people attempt to solve anagrams based on Heck. The prize? “Clams, face parts, and projectiles.” Seriously. Apparently they are a hot commodity in Whyville. Who? You! What? A contest! When? Now! Where? Whyville!

Heck on TV!

I was apparently on KATU’s AM Northwest Show a couple of weeks ago. I say/write “apparently” because it was really early in the morning and I barely remember the actual experience, though it certainly appears as if I had fun.

Hosts Helen Raptis and Dave Anderson made me feel very much at home, or as at home as you can feel on a set made to look like a living room, surrounded by bright lights and cameras. And no need to adjust your monitor: I was wearing my Official Heck Outfit, scientifically designed to look as if I were engulfed in flame.


Heck on TV

The Oregonian reviews Heck

The Oregonian, in their August 10th edition, reviewed Heck, saying that it is “chock-full of clever references and plays on words that may be lost on younger readers.” I, however, have faith in you, dear readers! The Oregonian also cautions that the book contains “a fair dose of potty humor” (versus an unfair dose, use only as directed, if symptoms persist please contact the nearest potty-atrician immediately). To read the whole review, go here:

Actually, you don’t have to “go” to it so much as simply “click” on the link. But you’ve probably already stopped reading…right?

If you were sent to Heck, which Circle would you be sentenced to?

Well, if I were sent to Heck, it would have to be the Circle of Heck reserved for really, really old boys. I would be the victim of one doozy of an administrative error…the likes of which hasn’t been seen since…the last doozy of an administrative error.

As a kid, however, I would have—more than likely—visited all of the Circles of Heck at one time or another. That’s probably true with most of us. If pinned down to pick just one, I would first ask you to stop pinning me down because it is very uncomfortable and I have a trick back that occasionally goes out…where it goes I don’t really know.

Perhaps I (not my back) would have gone to Snivel, the Circle of Heck reserved for whiny, cynical kids, the kind that not only think that their glasses are half empty, but that someone will come along at any moment and take that glass away from them.

Or Lipptor—which sounds like some prescription medicine your grandpa might take for his cholesterol, but is in reality the Circle of Heck for kids who sass back, who use words as weapons.

OK, in retrospect, you should have kept me pinned down because I keep squirming around on the floor of your question, but perhaps also Fibble, the Circle of Heck for kids who lie, since I have worked in the advertising industry, taking to the art of artifice far too readily.