Where the Heck is Heck?

Heck-o, readers on the other side of the magic screen. Long time no…well, no nothing. And if I’m anything, it’s a no-nothing. I have been getting emails lately…that fact in and of itself is less than earth-shattering. Many of you probably receive emails. But the ones I have been receiving have been questioning where, when and/or if the next Heck book will be published. Short answer? Heck-if-I-know.

Here’s the skinny: About a year and a half or so (I forget, exactly, as the wound has since scabbed over), I was told that Random House would no longer be publishing my Circles of Heck series: even though I had already submitted the eighth installment, Sadia: The Eighth Circle of Heck. The company had recently merged with Penguin, becoming something of a Random Penguin. And while it was still a House, it was sadly no longer my home. I knew that the merger had streamlined the company, with editors sharing offices and having to cut whatever titles weren’t make the cut, editing-time-to-profit-wise. Meaning, my editor was spending more time than was deemed worth it on my books so I (and many authors) were let loose and reintroduced to the wilds of the non-published.

This sucked. And, since I had two titles to go in my series, no other publishing house (according to my agent) would want to publish and promote another publisher’s series. The only glimmer of hope is that MGM have the option to make the first Heck: Where the Bad Kids Go book into a movie. They have had this right for nearly five years; with the project on its second director and…I don’t know: third or fourth screenwriter.

If the movie happens, this would—ideally—renew interest in the series so that I could properly finish it (or as properly as I can do anything). The option has been extended until the end of the year, so hopefully there will be some movement in this area. There are a lot of talented people involved, so I would love to see this project kicked into production! If the movie doesn’t happen…I don’t know. I could self-publish, but I would want the books to be as high-quality as possible and not look, I don’t know…shabby in comparison to what came before. I’m not even sure if there is a market to make it worth the trouble, as the last book in the series Wise Acres: The Seventh Circle of Heck—while being my favorite of the series—only sold about 2,000 copies.  And, the weird thing is, that book is literally printed on money, so each copy is worth at least $10,000. Be sure to buy a carton today! In any case, I’m open to ideas! As I said before, Sadia is finished and I can’t stand to work on something and not have it see the light of day, or the dark of eternal night.

So that, in a nut-job, is what the haps.

I hope you all are well and swell and not swelling in a well.

“Beast” Wishes,

Dale E. Basye

Guest Blog and Amazon Gift Card Contest 2/13!

Join book blog Bitten By Books on Thursday 2/13 with me (author Dale Basye) for a guest blog, chat and contest.This event post goes up at 12:00pm Central and runs into the evening. For those visiting from outside of the US, here is the time conversion link. Bitten By Books is in the Chicago time zone: http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/

I will be talking about my newest book Wise Acres: The Seventh Circle of Heck.

“In the seventh installment of Heck, Dale E. Basye sends Milton and Marlo Fauster to Wise Acres, the circle reserved for kids who sass back. In Wise Acres, the cleverest, snarkiest, put-downiest kids debate and trade insults in Spite Club. But the new vice principal, Lewis Carroll, has some curious plans to raise the profile—and the stakes—of the competition. Now a full-fledged War of the Words will be broadcast through the afterlife. The winner will get the heck out of Heck and go straight to heaven. And the loser? Well, the loser goes down . . . all the way down to the real h-e-double-hockey-sticks. And Milton and Marlo are on opposite teams. Can they find a way out of Lewis Carroll’s mad-as-a-hatter scheme? Or is one Fauster about to pay a permanent visit to the Big Guy Downstairs?”

CONTEST INFO: Open to readers worldwide!
First Prize: $20.00 Amazon Gift Card
RSVP below and get 25 entries to the prize portion of the contest when you show up on the day of the event. If you don’t show up and mention your RSVP your points won’t be entered into the contest. Be SURE to TWEET and FACEBOOK this link: http://bittenbybooks.com/?p=72741 so your friends can RSVP too.

FAN ART FRIDAY!

Fan Art from Ethano! “Thank you for writing good stories. I honestly haven’t really bothered to read books for a long while… It feels good to read books again. Anyway here’s a picture I drew. :)”

Great Dane Reviews

The Danish translation of Heck: Where the Bad Kids Go is Hulen: Hvor de Slemme Børn Ender (The Cave: Where the Bad Kids End Up) has been getting some interesting reviews: especially when pseudo-translated by Google: “It is a successful and very funny book about school and behavior, and what it means for children and young people in puberty, here in an intelligent satire” and “It is not for the faint of heart – nor sensitive eyes and ears, this book is packed with so many unsavory words and outrageous descriptions that one can wonder that it does not weigh more.”

Trick and Treat WINNERS!

The Contest: Send a photo of you dressed as a Heck character for Halloween.

The Prize: A signed Circles of Heck book!

First Place: Elijah from New Jersey! Elijah is dressed as Milton Fauster from Snivel: The Fifth Circle of Heck. Not only did Elijah submit his entry mere moments from the contest announcement, but he has the most dismal expression on his face I’ve ever seen (that is, apart from this morning when I was shaving).

 

Second Place: Spencer from Oakland. Spencer is dressed as Milton Fauster from Heck: Where the Bad Kids Go. Nice ferret in the backpack!

Third Place: Jocelyn from Atlanta. While not a costume, per se, Jocelyn created the Gates of Heck using pipe cleaners and, for Marlo Fauster, an embellished Bratz doll. All in all, a creeptastic Heckoween display.

Nice job, Hecklers! Your booty is in the mail. Books too!

Heck Contest Winner: Timothy Spaw!

Remember that contest I posted a while back, asking Hecklers™ to post a video of them reading a chapter from one of my Circles of Heck books? Well…that didn’t work out so well. I got a few close calls (like Lucy Guzzardo’s awesome Heck video game!) but not a lot of actual Heck-related readings. I did, however, get a batch of CREEPTASTIC SONGS from Heckler™ Timothy Spaw from Syracuse, New Jersey! I’ve included them for all to enjoy this spooktacular season! Timothy is ten years old and loves music (apparently really disturbing music) and I thought, in honor of Halloween (AKA Satan’s Birthday), I would award him with the EXTRA SPECIAL PRIZE of a FULL-SET of SIGNED (or “Singed” if you’re dyslexic) HECK BOOKS! CONGRATULATIONS TIMOTHY AND SORRY I’M WRITING THIS IN ALL-CAPS! I’M NOT REALLY YELLING, IT’S JUST THAT I SPILLED FRESCA ON THE KEYBOARD!

How to Make a Law

It happened again today, didn’t it? Something so unsettling and so, so… WRONG, but the offender just skipped away leaving you soaking in your own rage. Yep, another guy wearing white socks with sandals. Why, there ought to be a law against that! Well, lazy pants, stop talking and start legislating the world around you in your own, infinitely-right image! Murphy had a law, so why can’t you?

 

1. Get your law on to the ballot

Start by taking a little initiative and making one. An initiative is a proposed law placed on the ballot as the result of a petition drive among registered voters, then voted on by the electorate (i.e.: the sheep that will soon bow to your will and make the world an aesthetically better place, at least in terms of men’s casual footwear).

 

Be sure to word your initiative in such a way that it comes off like it will help other people too (“Think of the needless accidents that happen each day just because a driver’s attention is diverted by a pair of brilliant white cotton socks.”). But it’s not quite as easy as just being charming and persistent outside of a supermarket, gathering signatures like a bee gathers pollen. Each state has its own laws regarding potential laws. Arizona requires that each petition have only 15 signatures per page or else the whole jig is up. Other states require signatures from a percentage of voters in every region of your state: even the icky ones where the Starbucks are at least a mile a part. Ballot measures are notorious for being confusing, so go for it: all those episodes of Law and Order didn’t go to waste. Use a lot of Latin: Quid pro quo. Ipso facto. Habeas corpus. Pro bono (as if U2 weren’t popular enough already!).

 

2. Become a Congressman

Sometime if you want a law done right you have to know the right people: or become the right people. Your first step? Declare your candidacy. The Constitution lays down these simple requirements for any would-be member of the House of Representatives:

• You have to be at least 25 years old (easy for all too many of us, not so easy for some).

 

• You have to have been a US Citizen for at least seven years (or one year for dogs).

 

• You can’t live in the state you are elected to represent

 

 

Platform Shoes

 

Every candidate needs a platform, or better yet, a soapbox. Just make sure your soapbox is made of sturdy oak, not balsa wood.  Think of yourself as a product to be pedaled. Don’t slouch. Maintain eye contact. Try your best not to perspire. Become the person that intimidates you the most. SELL! SELL! SELL! And be sure that what you stand for makes others stand up and take notice (“The egregious pairing of sandals with socks is fundamentally un-American, and a dire threat to the moral fabric of this great nation!).

Expose Yourself

 

Media culpa? You bet! Get on the airwaves, get in the press, and do whatever you can to get your name out there (ideally, not in the police blotter). Send out press releases. Speak on radio, cable access, bowling alley openings, etc. Then there’s paid advertising where you have more control, but not without a price. Do you think all those flyers grow on trees? Well, sure, they did but…anyway, it all costs enormous amounts of cash, green stuff, dinero and sometimes even money to lube the campaign machine. You’ll need lots of it to keep your dream alive, and the socks in the shoes where they belong.

What’s next? You either win and draft a bunch of laws regulating men’s fashion for the public good until your constituents figure you out, or take matters to the next level.

3. Hypnotize people into doing your bidding

 

Who needs laws when you can bend the people’s will with a few calm words and something shiny? We’re talking hypnotism. How does it work? You bypass the conscious mind —the security guard of your psyche — and plant a suggestion straight to the subconscious, Do Not Pass Go, please flap your arms and cluck like a chicken. This way, the conscious mind will assume that your “suggestions” are coming straight from command central (“Notice how hot your socks become as they enter the sandals…”), causing your subject to react to these suggestions as if they were their own. Here’s how:

Fixed-gaze induction: You know, the whole “You are getting very sleepy…” deal. Get your subject to focus on one thing so that they don’t focus on certain other things, most notably, the fact that you are trying to hypnotize them. Speak to your subject in low, lulling tones so that they…zzzzz…

Overload: Basically, the exact opposite. Get your subject to focus on everything so that they are, in fact, focusing on nothing. Think video game. Think day at the mall. Think music video. Fill your subject’s mind with firm commands until you breach their mental defenses (“No socks with sandals!”). Be persistent. Be forceful. Be…very …zzzz…

 

Relax, This Won’t Hurt a Bit:  This is rather like fixed gaze in that it focuses on relaxation. This method is like subliminal (Don’t) meditation (Wear) audio (Socks) tapes, (With) where – (Sandals) through soft, repetition and gentle imagery – the subject is induced into a tranquil…zzzzzz…

 

If your subject’s mental state is, say, less Texas and more Rhode Island, the whole process should take only a few minutes. To ensure that no sandal is again ever sullied by a sweat sock, try hypnotizing as many people as you can in one sitting. Place prominent ads promising “Free sandals and socks!” if attendees attend your free “seminar.” Next thing you know, you’ll have a gym packed with hundreds of people, twice as many feet, and thousands of toes, and you’re sure to pass some legislation that will really knock their socks off!

 

 

Love this Goodreads review of Precocia!

“Before I go on, I want to let everyone know that I am, in fact, a KID. Thirteen years old, to be exact. And, odd as it may be– not to mention extremely rare– I understood all the puns, Biblical references, mythical references, cultural references, and general not-from-the-twenty-first-century-puns/knowledge/background information jokes. This is because not only did both my parents spend time telling and showing me movies, stories, and pop culture references from ” back in their day”, I also read constantly and pick up background information from other books. To most kids my age, the AWESOME Heck books would be confusing and possibly boring, unfortunately. However, I love these books because of that!! Before, I used to ask my mom why she made me watch I Love Lucy and made me listen to Jesus Christ Superstar, and she would say,” So you can talk to adults”. And even though I love adults and all (sadly I communicate with them more proficiently than with my own friends sometimes) whenever she told me that I used to think, Why THE HECK DO I CARE AGAIN?? But now I’m glad she did that because I can enjoy these books while my friends go, Huh? What the crap is that?– and there’s something satisfyingly hilarious about that. Sorry, friends. I’m not gonna lie. I love these books- in fact, these are my favorite books! At times Precocia was a bit confusing– what with the constant reality switches on Milton’s side of the equation– but other then that, it was another wonderful book in a wonderful series. Hopefully this will continue to be the result in books to come- and I have no doubt it will! Lipptor– now ‘ Wise Acres’- sounds really exciting! Also I’m hoping Zane will come back; its been two books with no sign of him. In conclusion, it was an awesome book and I’m glad a bought it. Oh, by the way, my favorite book in the series was Rapacia, although Heck and Fibble were close competitors. Hopefully Wise Acres will be my new favorite- who knows? :):):D” — MAGGIE

Nancy Druid and the Altered Altar!

Chapter One: Rites and Wrongs

Nancy Druid peeled off her rabbit skin gloves as she ran up the steps of the temple to answer the shrieks of the oracle, Vortigern.

“Hello?” Nancy said as she stood in front of the trembling old woman.

“Hiya, Nancy!” the oracle replied, her eyes rolled back into her head, deep in possession as she relayed the caller’s message. “This is, like… Helen!”

Although Helen Troy was three years older than Nancy—18, with only 9 children—the two girls were close friends.

“Are you tied up on a case?” Helen asked through the oracle’s quivering lips.

“No. What’s up? A mystery!?”

“Yes! The human sacrifice for the upcoming Samhain ceremony has disappeared!”

Nancy sat down on the sheepskin pelt before the swaying oracle.

“Gosh! The terrified, pre-teen human sacrifice gone missing before their gruesome ritualistic public execution? How horrible! Tell me more!” the fifteen-year-old detective/sorceress begged excitedly.

“Pliny the Elder was in the Sacrificial Altar, preparing a ritual to blight the crops of the Roman marauders who have been kidnapping the Celts—“

“Those Romans have a lot of Gaul,” Nancy seethed.

“And, when he was in the Holy Chamber of Ages, Fenra the Virgin was gone! Many strange, mysterious things have been happening there recently. I told him how good you are at solving mysteries, and he’d like you to come out to Salisbury Hill and help him!”

“O blessed Odin, it certainly sounds intriguing!” Nancy replied, her eyes dancing. “I’ll meet you on the moor when the shadows of the oaks are long!”

Nancy dumped a bucket of cold water on Vortigern’s head, breaking the oracle’s connection. Nancy sat lost in thought for several minutes.

Since solving the Unhinged at Stonehenge mystery—now available wherever fine stone tablets are sold—Nancy had longed for another case. Here was her chance!

Attractive, blond-haired Nancy was brought out of her daydreaming by the sound of a goat bleating. At the same moment, the Druids’ servant, Onatah, came down the front stairs.

“I’ll deal with Pago, maiden Nancy,” the toothless peasant replied.

“No one gets my goat but me!” Nancy spat. “Back to your cupboard! I will deal with Pago!”

Nancy clambered out of the temple and summoned the goat.

“Aww…how’s my little Pago?” Nancy cooed sweetly. Suddenly, brandishing her dagger, Nancy swiftly slit open the goat, letting the steaming entrails empty upon the mossy ground. She began the Sacred Ritual of the Afore-telling.

“In the eye of the Crone who guides me in wisdom, 

Through thy gift of nature, O Goddess,

Bestow upon us fullness in our need. 

As the Ageless Ones do in Gwynfyd;

Each shade and light,

Each day and night,

Each moment in kindness,

Grant us Thy Sight!”

For hours Nancy danced around the goat carcass under the hot sun. Sweating and exhausted, Nancy fell to her knees, sorted through the entrails and assessed the telltale liver. Gripped by a fever trance, she raised herself up and uttered the prediction, her voice two octaves lower than her typical, girlish chirp.

“Though this news is cold and bleak, 

Nennius Druid is the man you seek! 

His devotion, it will falter.

 Don’t believe me? Check the altar!”

“Oh, my goddess no!” Nancy gasped as she came out of her trance. “Father is in great danger!”

Chapter Two: The Road to Rune…

The Oregon Writing Festival WROCKED!

I wanted to give a belated to thank you to all of the people responsible for organizing last Saturday’s (May 4th’s) phenomenal Oregon Writing Festival. The festival, co-sponsored by the Graduate School of Education and the Oregon Council of Teachers of English, brought about a thousand 4-12th grade students and more than 150 teachers and professional writers from across Oregon to Portland State University for a day of celebration of the practice of writing. I had the great pleasure of giving a rousing presentation to about 400 or so middle schoolers (when there are more than 30 they all suddenly seem like 400 or so) before signing a small library’s worth of Heck books, then did a workshop on creative writing to 20 AWESOME young writers, before signing more books. I haven’t had so much fun in a long, long time, which is sad, but there you go. Anyway, kudos to EVERYONE who attended: you all rocked my world. I hope I get the honor of doing it again next year!

And I am now enjoying the work of a few students who slyly or not-so slyly slipped me some of their writing. Such diversity in tone and content! Insane in my old man brain! Also, a few teachers asked me about whether or not they could use some of my materials for school, and—by all means—you can. Nothing I do is ever too cool for school. So simply drop me a line here!